...give up...
...trying to battle it alone.
And get help.
After eight years of increasing discomfort, feeling ever more like an unlucky outsider in a blathering, bleating crowd of awfully, execrably happy people, feeling like a stranger in my own skin (the last three years were a constant uphill struggle against rising disgust, later mounting despair, fear of the future - and the ever-present lure of the rope, I not kid ye) I did what I have always viewed as... yeah, I have... losing my fight and giving in to medication. For three weeks now, I've been taking anti-depressants.
I should have taken the stuff eight years ago. And fuck the fight.
Yes, I suffer from side-effects. Stuff makes me quite sleepy, so I sink caffeinated beverages like a hole drilled into the ground of the Gobi desert. Stuff also makes my mouth feel dry all the time, but that's not so apparent as the next coffee, tea or can of Red Bull is always in the coming. I had a phase of wild mood swings, which was awkward for people around me (not so much for me, because every mood - no matter how inappropriate - felt entirely justified). And... sorry for too much information, but this is a soul-baring, and the naked truth, so... for nigh on two weeks my sexual urges were dead as door nails, the concept of erection as foreign as Martian poetry.
Apart from the sleepiness and dry mouth, all side effects were gone by the end of week two, just as my psychiatrist prophesied.
Now I just feel like I regained control over my life.
If I had to take the stuff to the end of my days (which I don't) I would nevertheless sing the praise of the pharmaceutical wizards who magicked up that stuff. It's not a price that I pay. It's a fuel to run my machine on. And run it does. I've rediscovered motivation, and I think you need to have been where I was to appreciate the meaning of this seemingly little fact.
So, if you know what I mean by the lure of the rope... believe me, you're not alone. You're not condemned to live, or rather linger, like this. You have an illness, and that illness can be cured. Like pox. Just don't try to medicate on your own. Stuff needs to be tailored to your needs by a professional.
If you like, I'm there to talk to you.
-verDerbt out.